Patience for Patients

At the eye center we see a variety of patients.  Most of the patients I deal with are of the elderly population.  Each day there is at least one patient worth telling others about.  Whether they are funny, creepy, crazy, weird, or just plain nice, I always come home with a story to tell.

Here are a few of my favorites.

This story is about an 86 year old woman with fire-engine-red hair.
Me:  "How are your eyes doing?"
Patient:  "I need to show you something."
Me:  "Okay."
Patient:  "Doors are like clouds."
...what?
Me:  "Oh yeah?"
Patient:  "Look, you can see things in them."  (She walks over to the door.)  "See?  There is a circle thing here, and see these two lines going down?"  (She points to random lines on the door.)  "It looks like a trash can.  Or a pipe."
...okay...
Then, later in the exam...
Me:  "Do you use any tobacco products?"
Patient:  "Nope.  Never.  I get drunk and raise hell!  Sure!  But I don't use tobacco products."
Again... this lady is 86.

***

This next one, I have heard with plenty of patients.

Patient:  "I have trash in my eye."
Me:  "Trash?"  <thinking about a rotten banana peel or a smashed styrofoam cup>
Patient:  "Yes, there is trash in my eye."
I look at the patient's eye through the slit lamp microscope.
Patient:  "Well?  Did you see any trash?"
Me:  "Nope.  No trash.  Your eyes do look a little dry though."

***

A little while ago, I had a 40-something year old female patient.  She was extremely high strung to say the very least.  Fast talker, this one.  Anxious.  As I prepare to put an eye drop into her eye, she says that she does not do well with eye drops and things being close to her eye.  Okay.  Fine.  About half of our patients have this exact phobia.  It's nothing I haven't seen before.  Nothing I can't handle, right?  Wrong.  I get ready to check her eye pressure.  Now, checking pressure involves touching a small, blunt, cone-like thing to the surface of the eye (just barely touching it!).  But never fear.  We put a numbing drop in your eyes before we do this so you can't feel a thing.  Not a big deal.  Generally, we don't tell patients that we are about to touch their eyeball because it kinda freaks them out.  Usually we don't tell them, and they never know.  I start to get close to her eye with the device and she puts her hands up and says, "Wait, what are you doing?"  Now, when they ask, I have to tell them.  So I explain what I am going to do (in the least terrifying way possible) and tell her that she won't even feel it.  She.  Freaks.  Out.  You would have thought I was coming at her with a machete.  She starts crying and squealing and saying, "Oh my God.  Oh my God!"  Over and over again while fanning herself with her hands.  Wow.  I had no idea what to do.  I was eventually able to console her and she finally calmed down.  I was able to check her pressure and guess what?  She was fine.  Didn't even feel it.  A miracle!  Then she says, "Well... that wasn't so bad."  Sheesh.

***

The other day, while I was checking an elderly man's eye pressure, the bottom part of the device touched his mouth.  This can happen if the patient has large lips or a protruding chin.  So the device touches his lips (which I was completely unaware of).
Patient:  "Are you kissing me?"
Me (surprised and pulling the device back):  "Oh no sir. That was just part of the slit lamp that touched you.  I'm sorry."
Patient (smiling):  "So am I!"

***

Well, that went a bit longer than I planned so I will stop here for now.  But I work five days out of seven.  Be prepared for more.